How to write about Africa

Culled from : http://www.granta.com/Archive/92/How-to-Write-about-Africa/Page-1


How to Write About Africa

Always use the word ‘Africa’ or ‘Darkness’ or ‘Safari’ in your title. Subtitles may include the words ‘Zanzibar’, ‘Masai’, ‘Zulu’, ‘Zambezi’, ‘Congo’, ‘Nile’, ‘Big’, ‘Sky’, ‘Shadow’, ‘Drum’, ‘Sun’ or ‘Bygone’. Also useful are words such as ‘Guerrillas’, ‘Timeless’, ‘Primordial’ and ‘Tribal’. Note that ‘People’ means Africans who are not black, while ‘The People’ means black Africans.

Never have a picture of a well-adjusted African on the cover of your book, or in it, unless that African has won the Nobel Prize. An AK-47, prominent ribs, naked breasts: use these. If you must include an African, make sure you get one in Masai or Zulu or Dogon dress.

In your text, treat Africa as if it were one country. It is hot and dusty with rolling grasslands and huge herds of animals and tall, thin people who are starving. Or it is hot and steamy with very short people who eat primates. Don’t get bogged down with precise descriptions. Africa is big: fifty-four countries, 900 million people who are too busy starving and dying and warring and emigrating to read your book. The continent is full of deserts, jungles, highlands, savannahs and many other things, but your reader doesn’t care about all that, so keep your descriptions romantic and evocative and unparticular.

Make sure you show how Africans have music and rhythm deep in their souls, and eat things no other humans eat. Do not mention rice and beef and wheat; monkey-brain is an African's cuisine of choice, along with goat, snake, worms and grubs and all manner of game meat. Make sure you show that you are able to eat such food without flinching, and describe how you learn to enjoy it—because you care.


Taboo subjects: ordinary domestic scenes, love between Africans (unless a death is involved), references to African writers or intellectuals, mention of school-going children who are not suffering from yaws or Ebola fever or female genital mutilation.

Throughout the book, adopt a sotto voice, in conspiracy with the reader, and a sad I-expected-so-much tone. Establish early on that your liberalism is impeccable, and mention near the beginning how much you love Africa, how you fell in love with the place and can’t live without her. Africa is the only continent you can love—take advantage of this. If you are a man, thrust yourself into her warm virgin forests. If you are a woman, treat Africa as a man who wears a bush jacket and disappears off into the sunset. Africa is to be pitied, worshipped or dominated. Whichever angle you take, be sure to leave the strong impression that without your intervention and your important book, Africa is doomed.

Your African characters may include naked warriors, loyal servants, diviners and seers, ancient wise men living in hermitic splendour. Or corrupt politicians, inept polygamous travel-guides, and prostitutes you have slept with. The Loyal Servant always behaves like a seven-year-old and needs a firm hand; he is scared of snakes, good with children, and always involving you in his complex domestic dramas. The Ancient Wise Man always comes from a noble tribe (not the money-grubbing tribes like the Gikuyu, the Igbo or the Shona). He has rheumy eyes and is close to the Earth. The Modern African is a fat man who steals and works in the visa office, refusing to give work permits to qualified Westerners who really care about Africa. He is an enemy of development, always using his government job to make it difficult for pragmatic and good-hearted expats to set up NGOs or Legal Conservation Areas. Or he is an Oxford-educated intellectual turned serial-killing politician in a Savile Row suit. He is a cannibal who likes Cristal champagne, and his mother is a rich witch-doctor who really runs the country.

Among your characters you must always include The Starving African, who wanders the refugee camp nearly naked, and waits for the benevolence of the West. Her children have flies on their eyelids and pot bellies, and her breasts are flat and empty. She must look utterly helpless. She can have no past, no history; such diversions ruin the dramatic moment. Moans are good. She must never say anything about herself in the dialogue except to speak of her (unspeakable) suffering. Also be sure to include a warm and motherly woman who has a rolling laugh and who is concerned for your well-being. Just call her Mama. Her children are all delinquent. These characters should buzz around your main hero, making him look good. Your hero can teach them, bathe them, feed them; he carries lots of babies and has seen Death. Your hero is you (if reportage), or a beautiful, tragic international celebrity/aristocrat who now cares for animals (if fiction).

Bad Western characters may include children of Tory cabinet ministers, Afrikaners, employees of the World Bank. When talking about exploitation by foreigners mention the Chinese and Indian traders. Blame the West for Africa's situation. But do not be too specific.

Broad brushstrokes throughout are good. Avoid having the African characters laugh, or struggle to educate their kids, or just make do in mundane circumstances. Have them illuminate something about Europe or America in Africa. African characters should be colourful, exotic, larger than life—but empty inside, with no dialogue, no conflicts or resolutions in their stories, no depth or quirks to confuse the cause.

Describe, in detail, naked breasts (young, old, conservative, recently raped, big, small) or mutilated genitals, or enhanced genitals. Or any kind of genitals. And dead bodies. Or, better, naked dead bodies. And especially rotting naked dead bodies. Remember, any work you submit in which people look filthy and miserable will be referred to as the ‘real Africa’, and you want that on your dust jacket. Do not feel queasy about this: you are trying to help them to get aid from the West. The biggest taboo in writing about Africa is to describe or show dead or suffering white people.

Animals, on the other hand, must be treated as well rounded, complex characters. They speak (or grunt while tossing their manes proudly) and have names, ambitions and desires. They also have family values: see how lions teach their children? Elephants are caring, and are good feminists or dignified patriarchs. So are gorillas. Never, ever say anything negative about an elephant or a gorilla. Elephants may attack people’s property, destroy their crops, and even kill them. Always take the side of the elephant. Big cats have public-school accents. Hyenas are fair game and have vaguely Middle Eastern accents. Any short Africans who live in the jungle or desert may be portrayed with good humour (unless they are in conflict with an elephant or chimpanzee or gorilla, in which case they are pure evil).

After celebrity activists and aid workers, conservationists are Africa’s most important people. Do not offend them. You need them to invite you to their 30,000-acre game ranch or ‘conservation area’, and this is the only way you will get to interview the celebrity activist. Often a book cover with a heroic-looking conservationist on it works magic for sales. Anybody white, tanned and wearing khaki who once had a pet antelope or a farm is a conservationist, one who is preserving Africa’s rich heritage. When interviewing him or her, do not ask how much funding they have; do not ask how much money they make off their game. Never ask how much they pay their employees.

Readers will be put off if you don’t mention the light in Africa. And sunsets, the African sunset is a must. It is always big and red. There is always a big sky. Wide empty spaces and game are critical—Africa is the Land of Wide Empty Spaces. When writing about the plight of flora and fauna, make sure you mention that Africa is overpopulated. When your main character is in a desert or jungle living with indigenous peoples (anybody short) it is okay to mention that Africa has been severely depopulated by Aids and War (use caps).

You’ll also need a nightclub called Tropicana, where mercenaries, evil nouveau riche Africans and prostitutes and guerrillas and expats hang out.

Always end your book with Nelson Mandela saying something about rainbows or renaissances. Because you care. ■
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Two words- 'So true'.

- Cathy

When did people become sooooo boring??

where did all the creativity go? I'm constantly meeting teenagers who think in the same way!!! And their idea of fun is going clubbing and getting drunk (snoreeeees*) what happened to that zest for life, that hunger for change and variety. When will I hear someone say to me, 'Chidubem lets save up and go on a tour of the Sistine chapel in Rome?' or "let's get tickets to a showing of les miserables".......has life become so insignificant that we actively refuse to find meaning?

There's something magical about being able to find solace in the solemnity of of nature.......pen in hand and a note pad...writing down your thoughts as you feel the warm autumn breeze. Even having the time to notice the budding of young daffodils at the onset of spring...and being wise enough to marvel at their unresigned beauty. I dont know but there is a decline in worldly appreciation, and people seem to have coined this earthly term 'yolo'...funny thing is they dont even know its meaning. It is indeed because life is too short that we need to seize it and not simply lose our purpose to its abundant distractions.


And when I have my kids I will get them to look life the way I did at a young age. In Abraham Lincoln's letter to his son's teacher he says, 'Teach him if you can the wonders of books, but also give time to ponder the extreme mystery of birds in the sky, bees in the sun and flowers on a green hill.'
 

Duby.

For routine dulls the edge of originality

Cathy and I are at the stage where we are getting our ears wet trying to pave the pathways to success. To put it in common terms, we have rounded up our university applications and are working towards our exams in the summer. Naturally we both want to get into the very best of British universities (WE DESERVE TO!). The thing is that at times like this I begin to question the definition of success and what it means to be accomplished in the eyes of others. Surely, Mark Zuckerberg would not have had the inspiration to invent a lucrative social network such as Facebook, if he had not taken time from life to sit back and be creative....to dream. This is  in much the same way Einstein became the father of modern physics (having established the general Theory of Relativity and developed Newtonian mechanics) after battling with ninth grade algebra. The definition of success is broader than the criteria is judged by and even when we fall short the chances are that we can still achieve so much more.


I have never actually believed that any one person can determine  intelligence or potential using even the most accurate of measurements....but when you see someone who is destined to be unique it always shines through. We live in a world where people get so lost in the need to meet the requirements of society that ironically they fail to achieve as much as they can. And sometimes I fear that in all the efforts, the late nights, the extensive reading and the chasing of perfect grades, I might forget who I am an what I set out to do. Life is a marathon in much the same way, academic qualifications are simply a means to an end and that is something we should never forget. What really matters are the dreams that keep us awake.....the goals we want so much to achieve that the mere thought of failure makes us edgy....and sometimes even the changes we need to make in society to ensure that  our smiles would one day be complete.

These are really the reasons I want to become a human rights lawyer; The 14 year old Pakistani activist ( Malala Yousafzai) who was shot by the Taliban for protesting against their atrocities, the Bangladeshi family that lost all their money to government fraud, the working class woman in America who should have been raised to the position of company director 5 years ago but wont....simply because she is a woman, and here in Nigeria the millions of poor people in the Niger delta that suffer everyday with little or no means of survival  because their needs have been ignored by the state.

It is true that even a strict education can dull the sharpness of our creativity and render the strength  of our imagination void. And with time and experience you would find that it takes a lot more than good brains to get ahead in the world but a striking personality, a stubborn determination and an even sturdier heart.

Duby

What it means to be a Princess

Bonjour mes beaux gens!

I know once again, it  has been months since I  wrote you all. Too much work= too little time and inspiration.

However, I've been reading in a lot of articles lately, and hearing from some friends too, how a lot of guys are tired of girls who act like princess, and expect guys to treat them that way. They criticize children's fairy tales  and Disney princess's for giving women the wrong attitudes.

So here's my take on things. To start  off, I believe there is a huge misconception of what it means to act 'like a princess'.

For me being a princess, isn't about having a sense of entitlement, being perfect, or expecting the perfect guy to come up out of no where and sweep you off your feet.
Rather, what I've learnt from princess movies and magical fairy tales, is more than that. I've learnt that being a princess means seeing the good in all people you meet, and treating everyone with the utmost importance. It means carrying yourself with grace and a sense that you are special and a gift to everyone you meet. Everyone gets a gracious smile- friend or foe. It's having the beauty within shine through and complement the beauty without.


In terms of love, a true princess doesn't have some presumption about who that person is. Think Cinderella, Bella, Sleeping beauty, and snow white- their princes came unexpectedly, and they loved them freely 'following their heart'. A true princess won't mess with the guy she meets, and because she genuinely treats all people well, everyone has a chance. But the truth is, in the end she knows that the right one will show through. And that doesn't necessarily mean some alpha male. It means the guy who sees through her- sees her soul- ,wants to see the world through her unique eyes. Someone who truly loves her- because she knows what she's worth.

Being a princess is speaking kind words, living with ease and seeing situations with optimism. It's about having hope, and  feeling at peace with yourself, God, and others around you. Feeling free and light.

Fairy tales were apart of my past, and I still listen to some of my favourite soundtracks for inspiration and as a reminder of the princess I am, the princess we can all be. When I get older, I'll read these fairy tales to my children- teach them to see the world with magic and fantasy, as well as with reality.

 

I'll raise them to be princes and princesses- to be the best version of themselves always.

Cathy

sunrise and writers ; the classics

So im listening to romeo and juliet act 1 and i think to myself 'surely Shakespeare is the wisest man that ever walked the earth!' What strikes me again and again is Romeo's words when he describes the hurt he feels because he loves Rosaline and she does not love him back.

1. Romeo

   Alas, that Love, whose view is muffled still, (165)
   Should without eyes see pathways to his will!
   Where shall we dine? O me! What fray was here?
   Yet tell me not, for I have heard it all.
   Here’s much to do with hate, but more with love.
   Why then, O brawling love, O loving hate, (170)
   O anything of nothing first create!
   O heavy lightness, serious vanity,
   Misshapen chaos of well-seeming forms!
   Feather of lead, bright smoke, cold fire, sick health,
   Still-waking sleep, that is not what it is! (175)
   This love feel I, that feel no love in this.
   Dost thou not laugh?

   Romeo

   Why, such is love’s transgression.
   Griefs of mine own lie heavy in my breast, (180)
   Which thou wilt propagate to have it pressed
   With more of thine. This love that thou hast shown
   Doth add more grief to too much of mine own.
   Love is a smoke made with the fume of sighs:
   Being purged, a fire sparkling in lovers’ eyes; (185)
   Being vexed, a sea nourished with loving tears.
   What is it else? A madness most discreet,
   A choking gall, and a preserving sweet.Farewell, my coz.

   
   

   To be, or not to be, that is the question:
   Whether 'tis Nobler in the mind to suffer
   The Slings and Arrows of outrageous Fortune,
   Or to take Arms against a Sea of troubles,
   And by opposing end them: to die, to sleep
   No more;

   
   

   literature is beautiful!!

   
   

   duby

It's almost ready!

Two words: Cathy's Anthology

Two words: Order Now!

Two words: Thank You!

Of Monsters and Men- the coolest band from Iceland!

How can you listen to this song, and not be exited about finding your significant other?

Cathy